Valentine’s Day, Twilight and Dating Violence

Ahh, February – the month of Hallmark romance. Love it or hate it, is it here and I wanted to take the opportunity to discuss the importance of parent/child conversations about healthy relationships.

In my dream world, all parents would have ongoing conversations with their pre-teens and teens about what constitutes healthy romantic relationships, but I decided if it is only going to happen once (or maybe this will mark the beginning of ongoing conversations), it should start in February as we all are bombarded with messages about the importance of February 14th. (Well, let’s be honest, the importance of buying flowers, chocolates, and cards… not exactly about the importance of healthy relationships.)

I have to temporarily jump on my soap box and discuss the role of mass media. Mass media, including music videos/lyrics, television shows, and movies plays an important role in shaping what pre-teens and teens see as idealized romantic relationships. (Don’t get me started on Disney movies.) For example, the Twilight series has swept the nation with young women (and some adults) debating over who they love more – Edward or Jacob. Excuse my bluntness, but really?!? A vampire or a werewolf? I guess that is another issue. I know, I know, Twilight is just a series, right? It isn’t really reality, so it shouldn’t matter, right?

I strongly disagree (see the list of Twilight/dating violence critiques below). Edward and Jacob’s passionate, twisted, and haunting relationships with Bella are nothing short of exhibiting classic signs of an unhealthy and violence teenage romance. I’m very concerned with this debate over who young women love more, Edward or Jacob, and it troubles me when I hear young women discuss their insidious, controlling, and violent behaviors as “romantic” or really showing what men do when they love a woman. I think we should be just as concerned about the messages portrayed in movies like Twilight as parents are when their young people quote lines from Jersey Shore.

***Challenge: If you are a die-hard Twilight fan, I challenge you to read the below critiques, and then re-watch the movies and try arguing that this series promotes a HEALTHY relationship for young people to aspire for. Mass media matters, we cannot ignore its role in shaping young peoples’ minds.  

So, what happened to, “Love is patient, love is kind . . .?” (1 Corinthians 13:1)

This isn’t lost. However, I think it is the responsibility of parents, older siblings, relatives, educators, and neighbors, to help young people learn what constitutes healthy relationships. Let’s face it, someone has to because the media sure isn’t teaching young people the right message.

Interestingly, 81% of parents surveyed by Liz Claiborne’s large, national study didn’t believe dating violence was an issue, or admitted not knowing if it is an issue.

So, how big of an issue is teen dating violence? Young women ages 16 – 24 experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence in comparison to other age groups (Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000). One in three teens in a relationship reported experiencing the most severe forms of dating violence, including ongoing physical abuse, sexual violence and coercion, or threats of physical harm to a partner or self (Liz Claiborne Inc. and Family Violence Prevention Fund, 2009). It is a big issue, and parents need to learn more so they can help educate their young men and women.

There are a number of resources available that identify warning signs of unhealthy relationships (and I think parents should go over them with their young men and women), but I want to highlight the resources that help teach young people what constitutes a healthy, mutually respecting relationship. Here are just a few.

Love Is Respect (combined efforts of Break the Cycle and the National Dating Abuse Helpline) provides tangible descriptions of healthy relationships to help determine if a romantic relationship is healthy.

In a healthy relationship:

• Your partner respects you and your individuality.
• You are both open and honest.
• Your partner supports you and your choices even when they disagree with you.
• Both of you have equal say and respected boundaries.
• Your partner understands that you need to study or hang out with friends or family.
• You can communicate your feelings without being afraid of negative consequences.
• Both of you feel safe being open and honest.

The website states, “A good partner is not excessively jealous and does not make you feel guilty when you spend time with family and friends. A good partner also compliments you, encourages you to achieve your goals and does not resent your accomplishments.”

Another excellent resource is Liz Claiborne’s, Parent's Guide to Teen Dating Violence that provides easy to follow steps and tips for parents who want to begin an ongoing conversation about dating, healthy relationships, and dating violence.

I do not deny that opening up a dialogue with pre-teens and teens about dating, romance, and healthy relationships is a difficult task for most parents (and you will likely experience some resistance from the pre-teen/teen), but I urge parents and other adult role models to use February, the month in which we are most bombarded with messages about love and romance, and movies such as Twilight as aids in getting this very important conversation going.

We can all agree that respect, honesty, integrity, and compassion are qualities we aspire to in our families, jobs, and friendships, so why not specifically discuss these important qualities in relation to our young peoples’ romantic relationships? Cheers to healthy romantic relationships!  

Healthy Relationship Resources

• LOVE IS NOT ABUSE
• Love is Respect
• The Consensual Project (connecting through consent)
• Parent's Guide to Teen Dating Violence (Liz Claiborne)

Twilight Critiques:

• Jezebel Article
• io9: Twilight's 15 examples of abusive behaviors
• Young Adult Library Services Association
• Laura Miller from Salon

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Megan Haselschwerdt, M.S. is a Doctoral Candidate at the University of Illinois – Urbana Champaign in the Department of Human and Community Development. She is currently conducting her dissertation on the experiences of affluent mothers, young adults, and professionals who work with this population. If you are a North Shore mother who has ever been physically harmed by your (former) husband, a young adult whose mother was physically harmed by their (former) husband, or a professional who works with this population, please contact Megan (217-333-6924, mhasels2@illinois.edu) for more information. ***All collected information will be kept private and confidential. I have gone to extensive lengths to ensure confidentiality, including obtaining a National Institute of Health Certificate of Confidentiality, which prevents any of my records from getting subpoenaed